All I want for Christmas….
So here it is, the headlong rush into Christmas and at the same time the powerful undertow pulling me into quietude, the “stand still” invitation of the long night of the Solstice. It happens every year, this mis-match between the energy on the outside and the energy on the inside, between the rhythm of ‘the world’ and the rhythm of the earth. This year, I was determined to slow down; I reduced my workload for December and January and tried to be organised with presents ….to little avail. Goodness, it’s hard not be swept along in the momentum.
Sardines
I filled one day last week, from 5.15am until 10.30pm, travelling to London with a friend to see the Silk Roads exhibition at the British museum, go to the Christmas Market at Covent Garden and see the Christmas lights. The exhibition had no sense either of roads or of silk; the Christmas market wasn’t; and at the end of a spectacular row of angels overlighting Regent Street, two smaller angels held aloft a disc, advertising -presumably – the sponsors of the lights. In Fortnum and Mason we were told to “move along”, no browsing allowed, so I didn’t buy a packet of biscuits for £16.99. The windows of Liberty’s were clearly sponsored by ‘Wicked’ and advertised, you guessed it, Wicked, and inside the shop not a Christmas decoration was in sight – except the ones on sale. In Hamley’s we played sardines and escaped as fast as possible for a cup of tea.
I had a lovely day with my friend, especially enjoying the so called Actors’ Church she led me to beside Covent Garden, where I lit a candle for my beloveds and took a moment of peace beside the nativity scene. Yet I felt sad, disappointed at the rampant, tawdry, cynical materialism, with no attempt, it seemed to me, to keep any spirit of Christmas alive.
Bought with a kiss
The next day I cleaned my house and retrieved the decorations from my loft. I brought in from the garden the little tree I had bought last year, but before I did anything else, I carefully unwrapped the dark wood figures which my daughter brought me back from Africa 19 years ago:
Mary and Joseph, the three shepherds, an ass, a lamb and the baby Jesus in his crib. I love that they are African figures not European and also that, having not quite enough money, she paid for Joseph with a kiss! With the crib on straw and the figures standing on rough hessian, it feels good to remember the simplicity at the heart of the Christmas story.
Choices
I am not a Christian, though I deeply respect the teachings of Jesus. When I sing carols at the hospice next week, I will not be joining in with the line: “Lo, he abhors not the Virgin’s womb”, since a womb, whether virgin or otherwise, is not, in my opinion, abhorrent! But what I notice is that I have a choice, a choice to be heart opened and sincere or to be pressurised and stressed with a to do list as long as the string of fairy lights which I have wrapped twice around my tiny tree.
I realise I always have that choice, Christmas or not. Can I listen to the deeper yearnings within me, the quiet voice of my heart calling me back into simplicity? Or do I think distraction and busyness is a good plan? In the early days of grief I had little choice but to be quiet. Since grief enveloped me, the idea of distraction was a non-sense. There was in that overwhelming sadness, a sort of bleak beauty, an aching sincerity, a purity of longing. I don’t want to go back to those bleak days, but I don’t want to lose touch with their purity.
Welcome home
Yes, my longing might have an image of my husband at the end of it, but in fact, the longing is for Love, for Union, for Belonging, to be fully known and welcomed home. I once found a welcome in the arms and heart of my man. Those are gone now but the longing is alive and well in my heart and I think it is a universally human longing.
At its most unadulterated, I think the Christmas story speaks to this longing. I shall be with my darling daughter and grandson the week before Christmas but on the day itself I shall be alone. I don’t want to spend the day just getting through to the end of it so that it’s behind me, I want to spend the day quietly remembering, remembering that true Love arrives and never leaves, that an open heart is a place where joy arises through the sorrow and that wisdom lives in the simplicity within.
Whatever you are doing over this season, I send you my love and my wish for peace within and between us. Please be in touch if you would like to be. Go to Substack and write in the comments or visit my instagram.
Nickie
NEWS
I haven’t put out any news lately – as I said, I have been endeavouring to reduce my work over the winter – but there is beautiful stuff on the way. Last week I met up with Emma Capper (my partner in Walking with Loss, Together) and after a winter warming soup and in front of a log fire, we spent time dreaming. Look out next year for the following:
WALKING WITH LOSS TOGETHER– online weekend retreat in March
Death Awareness Week – in May in South Hams
WALKING WITH LOSS – day event with Emma in Ivybridge
THINKING OUTSIDE YOUR BOX – funeral preparation with me in South Brent
DYING MATTERS CAFE, with me in Buckfastleigh
GRIEVING AND WEAVING – October women’s retreat with Emma, weaving a vessel for mementoes of your loved one, while exploring grief and loss, our stories and wisdom.
This is for starters and all to be confirmed. There will be more to come, including online creative writing for loss and – if you’d like it – funeral preparation for small groups online or in person..
If you are interested in any of the above, drop me a line. More information will follow. If you’d like to work with me one on one or in small groups, or you’d like to invite me to join you in something you are running around dying and grieving, I would love to hear from you on Substack or by instagram.
Buy me a coffee
Speaking of Christmas and gifting!: I gift this blog and in fact much of my work, including spiritual care in the hospice and running the threshold singing group. Some of you have expressed a desire to gift me back. Thank you so much. For those of you who would like to support what I do, you can, if you wish, buy me a coffee here. Thank you xx