Happy Birthday to Me!
Today – not as I write this but as I publish it – is my birthday; not so much a milestone birthday but a stepping stone between two milestones, a mid-point, a time to reflect point. Maybe, especially as we get older, birthdays, like many anniversaries or seasonal points, such as the solstices when the sun stands still, offer us opportunities to reflect.
A Lyrical Life
When I look at my life, it meanders here, takes an unexpected turn there, goes through a rocky landscape and shoots off in what appears to be an entirely new direction, before doubling back, collecting things from an earlier part of the journey and moving on. I knew a lovely Irish woman for a while and as I listened to her, we didn’t go from A to B in a straight line, but dipped and curved and flew lyrically over the landscape of whatever it was she was describing. Now I think, this way of looking at my life is kinder and truer. I can give my school grades and job titles, the names of my husbands and children, the numbers of loved ones who have died, the places I’ve visited, but this isn’t what I would like spoken at my funeral.
Singing our praises
When I was training as an Interfaith Minister, we were asked to write our own eulogy, one which sang our own praises and that we would dearly like to be true – however gaping we thought the gap between the reality and the words – and having done so to live into it. ‘Aye, there’s the rub’ as Hamlet says. Can we really embrace our passions, live our truths, put our hearts out there?
More and more, I understand there’s only one place I’m headed and it isn’t to the top of the tree in my chosen career, but buried underneath one. It is our common destination and along the way, yes, I can celebrate my achievements, but as I lay dying, what do I want to feel was the purpose or value of this one, precious life? Here are some of my reflections.
Reflections
I have learnt – am learning – compassion. I came in sensitive and I have, through witnessing my son’s suffering and drug addiction, through being alongside my husband’s pain and suffering, through working as a homoeopath with people who suffered in a variety of ways, and through my own heartaches and the times I have been met with kindness, been stretched and softened into knowing compassion, including, little by little, for myself.
I have grieved, not only for myself but for my female ancestors who had no opportunity to grieve their considerable losses themselves.
I have re-found the creativity I came in with, which, way back then, arrived as song and story. Buried underneath a heap of ‘not good enoughs’ for more than 40 years, I now use both song and story in ways which serve not only my soul but the wider world.
I have remembered how to love deeply and without conditions, no matter there will be risks, to open my heart, even knowing that grief is the inevitable consequence of love.
I have re-found my love of nature – rivers and flowers, trees and skies, seas and meadows. I would like it to be true, that before I died I found my sense of belonging on this beautiful earth.
I have learnt the importance of laughter, that I need beauty to thrive, to cherish friendships, that there is always enough if we share, not to take things personally, that I can ask for help, that honesty and reliability matter, (failure not so much), that appreciation makes all the difference and that grandmotherhood is the best thing.
Encouragements
I’m not ready for my eulogy to be written yet. There are things I want to do – at least three books I want to write – and, if I’m honest, all of the above are works in progress . But of course they are and always will be. In this week of my birth, when there is a lot more river behind me than in front of me, I’d like to gently encourage myself to:
- practise forgiveness, not least of myself, for the ‘mistakes’ I think I have made
- remember what the priorities are, what really matters – love, kindness, love, truth, love
- trust, that like a river, my life is an unfolding journey which I can follow without fear (big one that!)
I hope what I have written encourages you to take a gentle audit of your life and to think about what you would like to be true of you when your body is under that tree. As usual, I would love to hear from you if you feel moved to write to me.
With my love,
Nickie
News
Offerings: Bespoke Retreats
I have added bespoke retreats to my ‘offerings’ page. Taking time out of our ‘ordinary’ lives, whether just for a breather or to enquire around something specific, can be beautiful and helpful. Retreats come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and I can accommodate many, from one to one, non – residential day retreats from my home, to larger and longer, residential, group retreats on Dartmoor or a venue of your choice.
I love holding retreats and I would love to hold one for you: for example, seasonal, creative, at times of threshold and transition or perhaps for a specific enquiry. If you would like to find out more, what possibilities there might be or how we might work together, then do contact me without any pressure or sense of obligation at all.
Here is my favourite testimonial from a participant on one of the retreats I held last year:
“I can clearly see that you are exceptionally skilled at what you do: holding the space, holding the circle, holding warmth, holding calmness, holding depth, holding a safe space, holding respect and trust, holding the time, holding the schedule, holding us all together, holding the whole retreat towards its successful completion”. EAS retreat participant
Please note: if your group size is 2 – 6 people, I would probably work alone, more than 6, and I would ensure I had a co-facilitator alongside me.