Questions to the God of My Un-understanding

Dear God,
Are you up above or down below roundabout in all of us and all of it? Or nowhere at all?
Do you mind very much that you've been gendered? I would if I were you.

Where?
What happens to everyone when they die? I know what happens to their bodies, but to them. When my son died the coroner said I could not see him. Maybe wise but odd as his mother not to touch his body one more time. I stayed beside my husband for 2 days after his death. I sang to him, played my harp, read him Winnie the Pooh, because he’d loved it. On the morning of the 3rd day I said to him,
“Oh, you've gone.”
Where though? I wandered like a lost soul myself, asking, “Where are you?” for months- years.
Where do they go God, these souls that leave behind the vehicles they have inhabited all these years? Where have you taken my beloved?

Desire?
In his absence, what am I to do with my love and that most forbidden force, especially for a widow, desire? 
Steeped in a patriarchal religion that values purity and transcendence, what is one to do with the honey of longing and desire? 
I remember a science museum I visited with my son. We put our hands in a machine which measured stress while we looked at pictures. I was stressed seeing snakes and rats. He was stressed seeing a naked couple, the man and woman both very old and very wrinkly. Why? The taboo of of wrinkly love.
Since you have put longing inside us, is all longing sacred? 
Where does the ache for my husband end and the longing for the divine begin?
Is it all a longing for union with you? 
Are you infinite or intimate? Both? 
Why are you so elusive? Are you hiding in plain sight? 
How will I find union with you? Inside myself or through another? In nature or in meditation? Are they all possibilities?

Getting it wrong?
Can I get it wrong? Will everything I do eventually lead me to you?
Is the universe made of Love or is it neutral? 
Do you care?
Why is it so hard to live in truth and in peace? Why do we make such an ugly mess when we love and thrive in beauty?

Imagination?
Do we only leave to come home again? 
Do souls stay individual or do they merge?
I sense my son whizzing past sometimes, dropping by momentarily and then he's gone again. Am I imagining it?
Is my husband at my back? Am I imagining that too?

Best and rest
How do I do my best and at the same time rest in being? 
Do I give out too much and allow in too little? Can I trust the in-flowing? Can I trust in you?
Why, when I weep with loneliness, don't you comfort me? Or was it you who sent that woman to notice and touch my hand?
When I receive comfort from the old tree and teaching from the river running by, is that your wisdom?

Knowing you?
Do I have a purpose in this world or don't you care what I do?
Am I on the right track or isn't there a track at all?
Am I meant to simply enjoy my life? If so, how do I do that when I am tired and lonely and aching for the loves you've taken from me?
I long for so many things: peace within, to know joy, serenity, to be loved and intimately known and cherished. Are they all the same thing? A longing for you?
Do you long to know yourself in me or through me?
Are you me – and her and him and them?
Can we find you in each other – “namaste”?
Is it you looking out of their eyes and receiving yourself through mine?
Are you as close as my breath? Do you give me my breath?
When the sun goes down on my life and I'm not in my body any more, will I recognise you then and realise I've known you all along?
Will I see my beloveds again or is that a fairy story?

Will you?
Will you show me how to live and how to die? Are they the same thing?
Is there only Love and is that you?
Will you hold me, comfort me, guide me, meet my longing now and when I'm a very wrinkly old lady?
Please. 

Eternally yours (or so I imagine)
Nickie