If we knew we were deeply loved…
If we knew we were deeply loved, how would that change the way we lived, the way we showed up in the world? I had a taste of that once but I have a sense that it might have been a practice run for a Love more reliable and steadfast, than I have yet realised.
If I knew I was deeply loved, I would..
…take time to wander aimlessly
…take long baths instead of short showers
…take pleasure in watching the sunlight filter through the canopy of leaves, luxuriate in the velvet thickness of dark chocolate in my mouth, wonder at the star studded night sky
…relax, there is nowhere else to go
…sing…skip...laugh for no reason
…let time stretch long and broad
…go to bed with a sense of sweetness in my limbs and in my heart
…feel enough as I am, knowing my existence is worth something just because..
…allow the sun to shine out from the inside of me
…turn my face to the falling rain
…rest when I'm tired
…forget about to do lists
…fill my garden with flowers
…buy new, soft, white cotton bedding
…nourish my body with food I've cared to prepare
…say 'No' when I want to and mean it when I say 'Yes
Because if I knew I was deeply loved, I would treat myself as beloved, cherish myself as I would cherish my beloved one. I suspect that at the end of my life, I will want desperately to cherish my life. I will see its beauty and value, understand what a gift it has been to have it. I hope very much, that I will have unwrapped that gift with pleasure and that gratitude fills my heart.
Stories
I have worked closely with people, one to one, for 30 years. We all have different stories, wounds from being unmet or abused, wounds we need to tend to. But I think in 30 years I have never met anyone who didn’t fundamentally want to be happy and live in peace, however they articulated it and however misguided I thought they sometimes were in how they were going about it.
The wife of a dear friend died recently. She hadn’t always been happy or at peace but, my friend said that at the end of her life she “closed the circle”. She returned to her wholeness and, to quote Raymond Carver, “knew herself beloved on this earth”.
I watched my husband live with shame and, up against the uncompromising approach of death, finally allow himself to know his innocence and die in peace. Would that he could have lived in it.
Knowing
The question for me is, how may I come to know myself deeply loved- not because my beautiful daughter tells me so or because I have good friends and not because I’ve done good deeds, but for the same reason that the oak tree, the skylark, the primrose and the beetle are beloved: because they belong within a web of Creation which is always and forever expressing itself through each life. Including mine. I choose to think that the force of Creation is, by any other name Love. Call it faith if you like but still faith alone is not enough for me. I long to feel it is so, to know this as my truth.
So I think I should practise a little; play with making believe I am beloved; laugh more, skip more, take more time to breathe. What is there to lose but a few things undone on the to do list?
An invitation
I have an invitation for you. Write down the start of the sentence: “If I knew myself beloved, I would…”. Breathe. Hold it in your mouth like the most delicious food. Swallow it and let its nourishment fill even your bones and, when you feel you have embodied it, complete the sentence as many times as you can. Then write to me, if you will: put it in the comments, reply to this email, send me a note via my contact. I look forward so much to hearing from you.
With love
Nickie
NEWS
Last Call – In Death and in Grief retreat, for Interfaith ministers and students, April 17th – 19th in Herefordshire.
Please join me for this nurturing, resourcing, creative, gentle, experiential, immersive, beautiful retreat!
We will take care of our own experiences of grief and thoughts about death, in order that we may safely hold and be alongside those who are dying or grieving.
More details on the events page or contact me here if you’d like to discuss it with me first.
Full Q&A here. Little taster here.
Booking on OSIF website here.
If you’re thinking about it, please come, you will be so welcome.
IF YOU’RE NOT AN INTERFAITH MINISTER OR STUDENT AND WOULD LIKE ME TO RUN SOMETHING SIMILAR NEAR YOU, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH HERE.
Dying Matters Week
And suddenly May is around the corner! And with May comes the nationwide Dying Matters Week. We need to talk about death, not to depress ourselves but in fact just the opposite – to heighten our awareness that life is a limited commodity and needs to be valued as such. If we run away from facing up to our own mortality it is going to be very hard when a loved one dies or our own time is up. There are events all over the country. I am involved in a few here in the South Devon. You can discuss death over cake at a death café, ask questions about wills, the end of life process and funerals, you can watch the highly acclaimed documentary featuring my choir and my work and you can listen to the soothing songs we sing.
The flyer opposite shows the South Brent event I am hosting on Thursday 7th. Please let me know if you are interested in coming to one or both parts of the evening. You can also email me at the address on the poster.
On Wednesday 6th May I’ll be in Exeter Library at 7pm for an evening of poetry, music and talks.
Plus on Saturday 9th May there is an all day event in Totnes Library. I will be doing a Q&A with Sarah Parker of Dying with Grace in the morning and singing with my Threshold Choir in the afternoon. For a more complete picture in this locality, please go to Dying with Grace’s website here.
If you don’t know what’s happening in your part of the country, go to Hospice UK’s website here.
Buy Me a Coffee
I have been writing this blog for 3 years now and for the last couple of years many of you have gifted me through Buy Me a Coffee. I felt shy to ask you initially, but I cannot tell you how much it warms my heart to have £5 drop in here and another £5 or £10 there. You don’t pay me for my writing, you gift me for what I offer and to me it feels as if our shared currency is love. Thank you so much. I am open to receive your love any time you feel like sharing it! Here’s the link.