Chocolate, birch trees and unlocked doors
My lips are lonely.
I feed them chocolate,
dark, very dark, intense,
velvet bitter sweetness
filling my mouth.
In the moment
the sensuous pleasure
satisfies.
Only in the moment.
The after taste
is as lonely as it ever was.
Every day after lunch, given half an opportunity, I like to rest on the sofa with a cup of tea and a little chocolate. And nap. I had just done exactly that when I wrote this poem.
She asked me
A young film maker called Florence Brown, approached me last year and asked if she could film the Threshold Choir I lead. My first reaction was ‘No’, my response was more considered. Thankfully. Florence has been a sensitive, respectful and curious presence in my life and that of the choir for 18 months now. She finally completed her filming and recording last week. She has asked questions which have made me enquire into what I think, feel and why I do what I do. This poem is in response to the last question she asked me.
Having gained Guardian funding for a short documentary, Florence’s film, is due for release in November. I’ll post the link here when it’s out.
She asked me of death
She asked me:
“What's death for you?”
I said:
“My companion”
“How so?”
I said:
“My death has walked beside me
ever since
my world began.”
I said:
“How else can life be precious
but its days are numbered?
How else can I treasure
the sapphire blue of early twilight
and emerald green of velvet moss?
How else can I sow seeds
and harvest with an overflowing heart?”
She thought and I said:
“All that I have loved
I take with me
for ever.
For all it is relentless,
Death, is not ungenerous.”
When Grief Calls
I was thinking about Rumi’s poem ‘The Guest House’ the other day and how grief is such a frequent caller at my door. I am, if not on friendly terms exactly, at least getting to know them better.
Who's that knocking on my door?
Oh Grief, it's you,
just come on in,
the door's not locked.
Tea? Black, no sugar?
Have a seat by the fire.
Have his mug.
We always disagreed on mugs:
I like mine fine and pretty painted,
he liked chunky, heavy duty.
The fine ones break.
What story have you come to weave today?
Have you brought me tears this time?
I rather wish you would.
I know you wouldn't bring a list,
a list of tasks to do and tick
and send you packing.
I believe you'll always come to call,
share time with me
here by the fire.
I didn't know we'd be together all my life.
Sometimes it seems you go on holiday,
there is a lightness in my step.
I think, have you gone for good
or will you come back changed?
Sometimes you sit here mute
and I wonder that the point is
of your visit.
Other times you come with tools,
hammer on my heart
until I crack.
Sometimes, the times that I prefer,
you come smelling of one of them,
hair gel or soap,
your voice timbred like his,
your hands like the other’s.
And then
I am bereft and softened both at once.
Your visit's done.
Au revoir then Grief.
Thank you for coming by today.
The art of dying
Dying, the vessel becomes finer translucent, some luminous thing, soft, shines through, the extraneous fall away; eventually that includes the vessel. I see death close at hand quite often. There are times when people allow its presence in their remaining life with awe inspiring grace. I aspire to be such a one when my time comes.
The Birch Tree
Outside the open window
her birch tree sings
a lullaby.
Time was she did the singing,
nurturing,
along with sun and rain,
its tender limbs
to grow.
Each day, each night,
her tree will sing
and lull her into sleep,
an endless sleep.
Thank you for reading my musings on dying, death and grief. These are taboos in much of our society and I deeply appreciate your willingness to engage with them, rather than head for the hills.
As you will see below and will know if you read these blogs regularly, tomorrow (Sunday) the 28 day writing challenge begins. Rumi’s The Guest House, is the inspiration for the first prompt:
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival
Who arrived at your door today?
Write for 10 minutes without stopping, but remembering to breathe!
It’s not too late to join me – let me know if you’re interested and I’ll send you more details or go to the website – www.nickieaven.com/events/ .
I hope to see you soon.
With my love to everyone
Nickie
NEWS
28 Day Writing Challenge
28 Day Writing Challenge – Sunday September 28th!!
28 days to write, 2 optional Zoom calls to begin and end the challenge, daily prompts on a dedicated WhatsApp group or follow your own intuition. All free of charge.
I hope it will be enjoyable and bring insights, understanding, clarity and even better sleep.
Go to the events page on the website for more information or write to me.
I look forward to writing with you, wherever you are in the world.
Nickie
Writing Through Loss
A couple of weeks after the challenge finishes, I’ll be starting another Writing Through Loss, online course. We’ll be writing together on a Tuesday evening and more specifically around grief and loss, whether that is through bereavement or something else. Perhaps having been writing for a few weeks you will feel encouraged and confident enough to keep going; perhaps you’ve written with me before and know how much it has nourished and helped you; or perhaps you would welcome the opportunity to explore and express your feelings in a safe, held, creative space.
Please go to my website for more information or write to me at the address on the image.
Clay Stories
My first collaboration with local potter Roger Womack. Some of you may know him through Remembering with Clay and Clay Conversations.
We are very much looking forward to welcoming people in person to South Brent in South Devon. Allow yourself to be guided to let the clay give form to your feelings and your feelings give rise to words.
For more information or to book, please go to the events page here
Buy Me a Coffee
Thank you for your continued interest in my writing and my work. I am grateful for all your feedback and engagement in whatever form. As you know, much of my work in the area of dying and grieving is gifted, including this blog. If you would like to gift me, I should be both heart warmed and affirmed. You can do so here.
I AM SO SORRY THAT THE CONTACT PAGE ON THIS SITE IS NOT FUNCTIONAL. PLEASES WRITE TO ME ON nickie.aven@gmail.com