Remembering to hope
My eyes are stinging with tiredness. I’ve pulled my back and it’s stiff and achey. The dog is sulking because I have taken away a tennis ball he’d found and was chewing (in preparation for eating). But, I am content. The washing on the line is flapping me in the head and work is waiting for me but I am reflecting on the last week.
Back to the ocean
At an old Victorian house in a beautiful part of Herefordshire, I have been leading a retreat, In Death and In Grief, for ministers and students from the Interfaith Foundation. Half a mile away the Wye river flowed serene and wide on its meandering course to its mouth, while we considered how it is to face our own return to the ocean of our origin and how it is to bear witness to others as they do so. How too are we, as loved ones disappear from life and sight, and can we sit alongside others as they find themselves in this disorientating territory of loss?
You might think it was a miserable weekend. On the contrary. We found that we built a temporary community and that it supported us as we had the courage to share our vulnerable truth. I love that we were able to do so and that what blossomed in the sharing of our stories, the exposure of our shame and the anxiety around our pain, was love, was compassion, was the uncovering of fellow feeling, was, in a word, our humanity.
The weight
As war mongering, scare mongering and the use of power for destruction and suffering assault our ears and our eyes every day on the news, I am heart-warmed to be in the company of ordinary people whose agenda is the relief of suffering, who believe in the beauty of our world and our place within it, who care deeply.
If we could weigh the love of power and conflict against the weight of kindness and goodness, I trust that goodness would be far heavier. There are times when I’m not sure I want to stay here and see the devastation world leaders and exploitative businesses are wreaking on our earth and its inhabitants, including my own little family. Despair is not always far away. But then I witness what I have witnessed this weekend and I remember to hope. What we recognised over the weekend is that we cannot make anything better; death cannot be fixed and neither can grief. But, can we simply be with another as safe haven, companion, loving presence? This is what is asked of us.
As it is
When my loved ones died, I didn’t want to be told, “They’re in your heart now”: not where I wanted them and anyway, were they? I didn’t want the, “At least…” sentence: fill in the blank, usually something along the lines of, “they’re no longer suffering”. Maybe not, but I was. I didn’t, in a nutshell, want to be told I should feel any differently to how I felt, or even that it would get better. I simply needed to be seen, heard and loved.
And so, if I extrapolate all of this to what I can do in the world, what I come to is this: to be who I am born to be, not with an agenda to make something I perceive as massively dysfunctional ‘better’, but to play my part and to put my love into it without expecting a certain outcome; to hold tenderly the beauty and the pain, open my heart to all of it; to support and be supported by a community of fellow travellers who care deeply and love without apology. That I have the power and the ability to do.
This last weekend a few women gathered together and did just that. It isn’t after all too big or too hopeless. As it turns out, it is nourishing and leaves in its wake a contented heart.
With my love
Nickie
NEWS
This week I am focussing on:
DYING MATTERS WEEK – 4th – 11th May
All over the UK events are happening to bring the conversation about death and dying out of the shadows where it lurks like a bogey man and into life where it can connect us and help us realise what matters to us. Hospice UK have a map and listing of events which you can find here.
I am involved in 3 events in South Devon:
EXETER
Wednesday 6th May – Exeter Library, 7pm – an evening of poetry, songs, (from my threshold Choir) and talks, including from me.
SOUTH BRENT
Thursday 7th May – the event I am hosting in South Brent:
Come for the Death Café or the Threshold film, Q&A and songs, or come for it all.
So that I can have a rough idea of numbers (and make enough cake!) it would be very helpful if you could let me know if you’re intending to come by contacting me here.
TOTNES
Saturday 9th May 11.30am – 6pm– Old School Hall in the Mansion House
A day of talks, workshops, meditation and song. The event continues with Red Earth Playback Theatre at Bogan House in the evening and on Sunday at Birdwood House from 10.30am – 7pm. More information on Dying with Grace website.
There are also workshops in Bovey Tracey on Tuesday 5th, Death Cafes, music events and more around the region.
Buy Me a Coffee
I have been writing this blog for 3 years now and for the last couple of years many of you have gifted me through Buy Me a Coffee. I felt shy to ask you initially, but I cannot tell you how much it warms my heart to have £5 drop in here and another £5 or £10 there. You don’t pay me for my writing, you gift me for what I offer and to me it feels as if our shared currency is love. Thank you so much. I am open to receive your love any time you feel like sharing it! www.buymeacoffee.com/nickieaven