Dear Love, what would you have me know…
Inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s Letters from Love, I’ve written one too. Since my son’s addiction, since my husband’s diagnosis of a terminal brain tumour, since the seizures which assaulted him in consequence, since both of their deaths, since, in other words, my nervous system turned itself onto high alert and has forgotten how to turn itself down again, I have found myself with anxiety as my unwanted companion. And so, my letter to Love (interpret that as you wish), is this:
Dear Love, what would you have me know about anxiety?
Slow down, you move too fast – at least in your head. Dear one, what goal are you trying to achieve, or perhaps more to the point, what circumstances are you seeking to prevent?
Anxiety, my love, born out of fear, is a tension in your system and tension occurs when there’s a conflict – or potential conflict – between what is reality and what you want to be reality.
Were you anxious about your beloved man’s death? When there was still a slim possibility he might live, yes, you were anxious he might die. Once you knew his death was inevitable, my sweet, earnest love, you accepted your role. You supported him, nursed him, advocated for him and loved him to his last breath, which he took with you lying beside him, that early morning in May.
Were you anxious that your son would die? Always, from the time he told you of his heroin addiction. Why? Because you had no power to control his choices or the ultimate outcome.
He chose risk and finally Death called in the chips. No more anxiety- sorrow and heart ache, yes, but not anxiety.
Sweetheart, you understand sorrow, you know that a broken heart only heals when it keeps loving; that only love itself soothes and heals a heart that is aching and longing. We tell you, what you worry about is not reality and since it has no substance, your worry achieves precisely nothing. Except it hurts you: it hurts your body and it spoils your experience of life.
When your son was in the throes of addiction, your prayers changed from, “Keep him safe”, to “May he be at peace” and you prayed for the strength and compassion, the wisdom and the love to accept what came. He is at peace and you have had love enough and all the rest. Do not doubt your capacity to endure and not just to endure, but to soften to what Life gives you. You have and will find ways to grow into another spring after every winter. We are there within and beside you.
Most days you walk by the fallen trees which still thrive. There’s the birch beside the bay with some of her roots exposed to the elements and some burrowed into the rock. Horizontal, she still comes into leaf each spring and sheds her leaves into the flowing river each autumn. The beech you love so much, whose fall seemed catastrophic, now has several trunks collaborating to form a cathedral doming the path. Remember how your daughter created pictures, each ‘mistake’ an opportunity she hadn’t thought of, until the finished piece of art became a testament to unexpected outcomes and joy.
My love, anxiety is the consequence of your lack of trust in Life. It comes from a mindset which says the Universe is hostile. It proliferates whenever you forget you are loved and cared about, when you think things are wrong and shouldn’t be happening as they are, when you think you know best what you need and forget you are a child of Life. Yes, things are happening in the world that cause pain and suffering. You don’t need to add to the suffering by being frantic with anxiety or frozen in fear.
Remember Love. Remember Love never leaves you, nor can it. The world needs you in love. You are no accident. You belong here as surely as the beech and birch belong. You are here to be you, not someone else, not a saviour, not someone with all the answers. Neither do we want you to seek perfection in yourself: that suggests you think yourself imperfect. Not so. You are perfectly formed and functioning to be you.
While you have this time, enjoy it, enjoy letting the river of love inside you come into spate, enjoy it when it is broad and serene and when it is shallow and playful. Enjoy the swish of a squirrel’s tale and the flute of a buzzard, the fragility of a rose in bloom and the awkward gambolling of a new born lamb. Enjoy all that you witness- human beings in their vulnerability and innocence, and in their courage and compassion.
One day your life will withdraw from the body you occupy. It’s nothing to be anxious about. All will be well and Love will hold you. When the time comes, don’t regret spending your life’s precious energy on anxiety. Be ready to say, “I loved living. Thank you.”
We love you. Always.
With my love,
Nickie
NEWS
I have a rather odd piece of news. A journalist from The Guardian on Saturday, travelled all the way from Brighton and back to interview me last week, and a photographer took photographs of me and the Threshold Choir I lead.
The reason is that The Guardian funded a 20 minute documentary, made by young film maker Florence Browne, about Threshold singing. We worked together over the course of a year or so and the film also includes some of the other work I do around death and dying. The film is to be launched on The Guardian platform on – I think – 16th December. The article is to be published – I think – on Saturday 13th December.
There’ll be another blog out before then, so any change in dates and any links I have, I will let you know, but I wanted to share the news since it’s not every day you end up being featured in a national newspaper. (Truthfully I’m half excited and half dreading it!)
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