Weekend Titbits
I – Falling
My body hurts. Falling over three times in as many weeks isn’t good for old bones. (Ssshhh..don’t tell my daughter. She refers to me as “having falls”. Well, two rude words to that!) I know, given the icy conditions of recent weeks, I’m fortunate not to have joined the ranks of the broken bones brigade, but I’m still annoyed.
Yesterday I was musing as I walked the dog. This week has been my 7th wedding anniversary. We had 4 months as a married couple. We had thought that the ceremony would be both an honouring of the depth of our relationship and an acknowledgement that we would be letting one another go very soon. Except that’s not what happened. Physically yes, but I still feel that in my soul I am wedded to that beautiful man.
I tread on the log which is a stepping stone across the stream and nosedive – literally – to the earth, the upper half of me lands in sodden leaf litter, the lower half is soaked to the skin by the stream. Of course, I am just at the furthest point from home.
I cried: my nose hurt, my leg hurt, I was in shock and I was CROSS. The dog – as ever when I’m not rock solid – was useless. Today I can have compassion for his need for me to be tickety boo. Yesterday… not so much.
My musings on the eternal nature of love and the cruelty inflicted on grieving people by those who claim some knowledge of what happens after death, and that, if we continue to long for our beloved ones, we “hold them back” (the same two rude words will suffice), came to an abrupt end.
PS From today: There is a lot to be said for longing – which is different from desire. I think it’s a holy thing.
II- Witnessing
“To engage with someone whose time it is to die with the intention of fixing the problem of their dying is a subtle violence which our culture encourages and it’s one which we can guard against by learning to distinguish between what needs intervention and what needs witnessing.” – Chloe Hope.
I subscribe to a beautiful blog on Substack called Death & Birds by Chloe Hope. These words landed in my inbox this morning. Yes, Chloe, oh yes. Dying is not a problem to be fixed – though easing of the path may be compassionate – and grieving is not a problem to be fixed either.
In the aftermath of my son’s death and of being widowed, I can say that I wanted simultaneously to hide away and to be witnessed. I wanted to tell the stories over and over of my loves who had died but I was afraid of a) being a burden and b) someone telling me what I should be doing or feeling or trying to fix me. Nothing could or would make it better – not “remembering they are in your heart now”, not “knowing time is a healer”, not thinking “they wouldn’t want you to be sad” and not “keeping busy/not dwelling/moving on” or any other suggestion which didn’t simply validate how it was me for right then and there. The problem that needs fixing is a cultural one. We are afraid of death, afraid of grief and afraid of being helpless in the face of other people’s pain.
My daughter’s neighbour in her German village died suddenly while she was away. On her return she went immediately to see his partner and held her while she wept. Not one other person – in a village where people have known one another all their lives – had been to visit her. Next time she popped over, she took both a pot of soup and her 3 year old son who was carrying a still warm cake he had helped his mummy to bake. There were tears and there was laughter.
I want to practise again and again, in the little ways, simply holding space for people to be as they are and bearing witness to their pain. Yesterday I was with a man unexpectedly widowed in his 50s. There are no words I can say to him, but I have ears to hear, eyes to see and a heart to open. It is enough. We don’t believe it, do we? But it is enough.
III – Flying
My daughter has just sent a video of my grandson making a flying baby dragon – Rainbow Sky Dragon I believe. He has made her from shiny card and rainbow coloured tape. She also read a couple of several stories he had dictated to her about said dragon: one about the dragon flying across the sky to make herself happy after a tree had smashed her home; and another about the dragon dancing to a new song when the rain had made it too wet to fly.
He knows that happiness feels good. When grief comes it seems to rob us of the prospect of ever being happy again. I advocate for keeping a small flame of hope alive that our sorrow isn’t unremitting for ever.
Misguided, we may seek approval, money, status and endeavour to bolster our self esteem through achievement. (I’m not pointing fingers, I have to hold my hand up to some of those.) None of it makes us as happy as flying through the sky or dancing to a song. I’m going to try to remember to keep my heart alive to the dance. Even when my body hurts, the dog doesn’t care and there are tears on my cheeks.
With my love
Nickie
NEWS
Writing pilrimage – 1st – 29th March, onilne – NOW BOOKING
Please join me on a ‘pilgrimage’ with a difference: walk with your pen through the landscape of your soul.
You do not have to be a writer, be ‘good’ at writing or to have ever written before in order to join. What you will need is a minimum of 10 minutes a day for, I suggest, 5 days a week and a willingness to open to what would like to be expressed.
A lot of my work is dedicated to people who are dying or grieving. This is open to everyone including them.
What it will look like
- Zoom calls on the first and last Sundays (1st and 29th March) to begin and end our time together, plus optional zoom calls on all other Sundays of the month. On the first call, we will spend some time feeling into an intention to journey with. This may be as broad or specific as you like. Or you may simply want to leave it open. I will also explain how I suggest you use the writing prompts.
- Prompts or invitations from Monday to Friday over 4 weeks.These will include poems, quotes or suggestions from me. If you prefer you can follow your own agenda, or dip in and out. To get the most benefit from your writing, I suggest you spend a minimum of 10 minutes a day.
- Opportunities to go deeper with your writing if you wish.
- Saturdays will be to rest/go deeper/catch up/do your own thing.
- Optional 1:1 guidance sessions with me (30 – 60 minutes – these are at extra cost)
- WhatsApp group where I will post the invitations. There will not be a chat option on the group.
- Additional group for chat and sharing for those who wish for it. There will be clear guidelines around confidentiality and appropriate use of the group.
Cost
Suggested donation of £25 – £55 according to what you can afford. I will not turn anyone away on the basis of inability to pay but please bear in mind my own need to thrive! Thank you.
How to sign up
There isn’t a booking form as such. Please contact me here with the following information.
- Name
- Why you would like to join
- Telephone number
I will respond to you within 3 days. If you do not hear from me PLEASE CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER. On receipt of your booking I will send you my bank details for you to make a donation.
Nearer the time I will sign you into the WhatsApp group for prompts and send you further information.
I look forward very much to journeying with you.
Nickie
Buy Me a Coffee
Some of my work is paid, a good chunk of it – blog, hospice and singing for the dying – is not. I very much appreciate any donations you are able to make which help me to support myself and continue to offer this work. It also warms my heart to know that you want to gift me. You can do so at Buy Me a Coffee here.