The benefits of being blobby
It is raining. Welcome as it is for the earth, I can’t say I love walking the dog in the rain and soon – given how very wet the winters (and autumns and springs) are where I live, we shall be speaking wistfully of the long, dry days of summer and wanting to hibernate through the rain sodden weeks and months.
I however, against the natural flow of the seasons perhaps, have been hibernating all summer. Maybe it would be truer and more seasonal to say that I’ve been pupating, allowing the structure I’d let become the master of my life to dissolve and coming more into the state of blobbiness. I’m still somewhat blobby but I think there are some shapes forming in the goo.
Is there joy?
It would be so easy, with my arm well on the way to healing and more rested in mind and body, to take off at a sprint into this new venture or that, being proactive, promoting this, creating that. It isn’t that any of that is wrong (though I could never sprint to save my life), it’s that I do not want to be led by the running, rather, I want to do the leading through conscious day by day choices. Now, it feels to me – as if it ever wasn’t – is the time to check in with myself: does this feel good; can I do this without stressing or pushing; can I feel the hum of joy here? If not, then why would I say yes to it?
Shoulds and conditions
A lovely young woman who is writing her undergraduate dissertation around the subject of death and rituals in a secular society, asked to interview me recently. She asked me if I thought it was important to talk about death and if so why. Don’t get me started! Why am I writing these blogs if not to talk about death and grief, to bring the subjects out of the land of the taboo? But at the end of the day, at the end of my day, I want to look back on my life and know I lived it fully. In order to do that I need death at my side. Because it keeps me clear. Does this bring meaning to my life? Is this something I can love? Is this kind to myself or another? Or, is this duty? Does it come with shoulds and conditions? Oh my gosh, I’ve lived so much of my life with shoulds and conditions and it gets more and more subtle. You should live your life to the full. You should maximise the gifts you’ve been given. You should always be kind and live with integrity. Yes, of course to all of that but there’s a difference between being goaded by shoulds and guided by love. It’s a head/heart thing. My head will buy into beliefs I’ve taken on from others. My heart will ask me to listen to myself. Death I think, is an incredibly uncompromising and unsentimental sounding board.
Pupation
Pupation is a death of sorts. Death of the form in which the creature has hitherto known itself. Surrender into a process which will lead to a transformation. Trust that its new form will emerge in due course.
In one sense these years of grief have been one long transformative process and I’m not about to say, “Da da! Here I am a butterfly, the finished article”.
No, but over these last few weeks I have been in a micro version of that process of unravelling, questioning my assumptions and endeavouring to use another measure than achievement. Can I do this in peace? Does this make my heart happy? Can I do this and not forget to breathe? I will forget, inevitably. I will need those who love me to remind me to slow down, take time to gaze at the rain/fire/moon/clouds, take more naps, dream. I hope I listen. I hope my body doesn’t have to break again in order for me to listen. I hope that I stay in respectful relationship to death.
And speaking of slowing down, gazing at the fire and dreaming, please take a look below at my newest – and I think beautiful – offering.
I’m off to Germany to see my family next week followed by a few days in Cornwall with a friend. So the next blog will be 26th September (3 weeks time). And then our first drop in writing session will be on Monday 5th October. Very much looking forward to that. More details next time.
With my love to everyone,
Nickie
NEWS
INTO THE DREAMING – an online writing retreat as autumn turns to winter
I’ve dreamt up a dreaming!
Into the Dreaming, is a 3 day, 7 session, online writing* retreat at the time of lunar Samhain. Samhain was the Celtic forerunner of Hallowe’en and celebrated, like many of the earth-based festivals, by the moon. This time of the new moon, when the harvest was safely gathered in and nights were lengthening, was considered to be the tipping point between the old year and the year to come. It was a time to reflect on the harvest of the year, to connect with ancestors and to dream into the darkness, trusting in a coming spring.
(*Please note Although my invitations will be based around writing you you will be very welcome to respond with drawing, weaving, singing or whatever creative medium you choose. And you absolutely do not need to be a writer to write!)
If you read my blogs, you will know that I have found an awareness of the cycles of nature extremely helpful in managing my grief. I think this time of year is particularly potent, offering the opportunity to reflect more deeply on what and who have passed beyond us and to rest into a quieter more restorative time.
Whether you’d like to simply bring your attention to this cycle of growth, harvest, fall and rest as a life practice, or whether you are managing a grief or an approaching death, I invite you to join me in this intimate gathering. Maximum group size will be 10.
To carry on reading, please go to the events page where you can also find information about how to book.
Buy Me a Coffee
I have been writing this blog for 3 1/2 years now and for the last couple of years many of you have gifted me through Buy Me a Coffee. I felt shy to ask you initially, but I cannot tell you how much it warms my heart to have £5 drop in here and another £5 or £10 there. You don’t pay me for my writing, you gift me for what I offer and to me it feels as if our shared currency is love. Thank you so much. I am open to receive your love any time you feel like sharing it! www.buymeacoffee.com/nickieaven